It's hard to believe that the summer is coming to an end, I almost feel like it's just beginning but then i remember all the shit I've done these past two months and it makes sense. I feel like I've gone through so many "phases", if you will, and only over this short period of time. There were weeks of hanging out with one specific person almost every day, there were a multitude of hook ups, some which felt promising, some which just felt good, concerts, conversations with close friends, conversations with old friends, parties, adventures, vacations, bike rides, beach trips, drunken nights of pure mayhem, too many things to list. Obviously these are the basic components to any eighteen year old's summer, but there are people I wish would have stuck around longer, nights I wish would never had ended, and experiences I wish I could relive over and over again... This is pointless to be writing about, nothing will change, but I guess its comforting in some way. I'm very tired and tomorrow morning I have to wake up to start training at a new job. Tonight was good, this week has been emotionally exhausting. Seriously tearing away at my skull. But it's getting better. I'm excited to see what happens next.

It was never constant. It never made sense. Out of everything that happened it had to be the lack of any kind of consistency that really started gnawing at my skin. The impulsiveness , the random rush of erratic feelings that would linger for a few hours but wear off by morning...When shaking a bottle of soda, the carbonated gas within is trapped and proceeds to smother itself until finally the cap is removed and the liquid overflows. Life without release can be a dangerous thing. Keeping everything inside until you simply just explode, that can be lethal.

I doubt either of us were ever really sure of what the hell was happening. I had a loose grip on things and maybe he was more aware than I had been... but what seemed reasonable in one moment, felt awful a moment later. It hurt and I'll admit it but I loved every second of it. Complicated is an understatement.

It's never constant, and its starting to catch up with me.

So in the end, whatever, we die, we dissolve
Equations unbalanced, riddles unsolved
And we were never connected or involved
Except for the intersections and crazy mathematics
With no time and no space and no schedule and no place
And we pass right through it without a trace
And sometimes that music drifts through my car
On a spring night when anything is possible
And I close my eyes and I nod my head
And I wonder how you been and I count to a hundred and ten
Because you’ll always be my hero, even if I never see you again

can i quote?
godsgirls. pref kate = life

"i'd just like to find a nice crime partner with a nice huge cock that's that perfect mixture of shitty/sweet, intelligent, good taste in music, likes being dirty, acts like an actual man."

thanks.



listen to gj, shoot yourself. night

What to say, what to say. Well this isnt so much a journal entry.. its more like the release of various ideas that have lain dormant for far far too long. Tonight was my first full yoga session. Aha now you all get it dont you?. I went yesterday for an hour long session one on one with one of the trainers and it was amazing so I convinced mom into letting me join monthly. This is something Gina has been doing for a few months and I was curious to try it out for myself. So around 6 we picked her up and drove to the place. We greet eachother with huge smiles and hugs and my mom is totally weirded out.
Anyway to get on with it... There were about ten of us I think and the session was about an hour, a little longer maybe. It was absolutely amazing. I cant even describe the way I felt afterwards. Once youve let your body go and your mind take over, you feel so clear and so relaxed and you feel on top of everything...as if your life is in still motion and everything is perfect. We finished with a blend of tea which was sooooo good, and we all sat in a circle and the instructor, who is so funny! always so happy hah, told us to look around and feel the happy energy we created. To be surrounded by people like this who are genuine and beautiful and hold this desire to be at peace with every person they encounter is one of the most intense things ive experienced.

Society is obsessed with "who did that" "who said what" "where did that happen" just nonsense. People are so afraid to express themselves and embrace their true selves. Human interaction has become so routine and basic that its lost its realness. You need to learn to accept and love and free your spirit of all inhibitions and just live. People are so closed off from true bonding. To communicate with someone on a deeper level than "hey whatsup" is so unrecognized. Even if you dont know what to say, just be with that person, let what youre feeling radiate onto them. Just be yourself and accept and love yourself for who you are. Dont force out fake communication just for the sake of communication. I feel like Ive been opened up to this brand new loving caring enlightened world and its going to be hard to keep up with reality. This forced education that wont matter. Life is about growing and experiencing, not about how many men were killed during the civil war or the inverse of y=2x Unless you feel passionately about those topics...any topic...it makes no sense to have it forced into your mind to take up space that should be occupied by what you love. I guess this is one of those never ending arguments that have gone on for years and will continue to go on so Ill stop while Im ahead.

All Im saying is be true to yourself, dont push out a false you just for the hell of being out there. Make every moment count. Live life and express yourself to the fullest extent. Or ignore me. But understand that everyone lets their true spirit slip out every now and then... when you get excited over something but quickly hide it and play it cool, when you find yourself daydreaming with that gaze in your eyes that is so not you and you quickly laugh about someone else... You know youre capable of being open minded and passionate about things. You have it in you... So why suffocate it?

I havent written anything since January, so I guess this will account for the past five months or whatever...Im becoming very comfortable with the fact that these "teen years" until graduation are only a phase, almost a prelude to what will eventually become my own independent life. So maybe it doesnt matter so much when people exclude you or talk about you or hate you. Maybe it doesnt matter if people love you, obsess over you, praise you, hurt you, lie to you, or impress you. Honestly, its time to start dealing with who you truly are, and not what youre influenced by. Awareness and Acceptance are two things to keep in mind. Know what you want and take it with you, you dont need other peoples bullshit. Thanks

So Im grounded and this obscenely overwhelming manifestation of regret is sinking into my brain cells. Dont you love having to sit in one place for a long period of time with only reminders and memories? Not that being grounded ALWAYS means sulking in your room, but hey itll eventually happen. Eventually youll be too tired to do anything so you'll lay in bed and listen to music. And somehow the urge to put on that mix from 2003 suffocates you and all of a sudden you close your eyes and bring yourself back to those historic months. Remember all the conversations, what was hysterically funny, what made you upset, who cheered you up, who you called every single morning to meet up with...Then reflect on the present... HOLY FUCKING SHIT, where did everyone go?True, theyre still around, but is the friendship the same. Fuck no. And its pretty upsetting. To be so close with someone to the point where its impossible to imagine life without them. And suddenly its a rarity if they even call you. Its easy to just get over it and move on, but what are you supposed to do with all those memories, especially when those people you miss and you love and you need in your life pass you every single day? Suddenly you start to question what youve moved on to. It loses its shimmer. What was I thinking. Your present "friends" are people that see you as simply another teenager with similar interests. To them your just another person with money, inhibitions, addictions, and time. And thats most likely all youll ever be. But your old friends cared about you and they cared about your interests and you each were appreciated and valued by eachother. Look what you left all that for. A glamourous world of oppresion and nothing stable. But everyone has found a new niche that they are accoustumed to. Theyre happy and youre stuck here. WhyamI so fucking stupid.?

"I'm afraid were losing the real virtues of living life passionately in the sense of taking responsibility for who you are the ability to make something of yourself and feel good about life. Existentialism is often discussed as if it were a philosophy of despair, but I think the truth is just the opposite. Sartre, once interviewed, said he never felt once minute of despair in his life. One thing that comes out from reading these guys is not a sense of anguish about life so much as a real kind of exuberance, of feeling on top of it, its like your life is yours to create. Ive read the post modernists with some interest, even admiration, but when I read them I always have this awful nagging feeling that something absolutely essential is getting left out. The more you talk about a person as a social construction or as a confluence of forces or as being fragmented of marginalised, what you do is you open up a whole new world of excuses. And when sartre talks about responsibilty, he's not talking about something abstract. He's not taling about the kind of self or souls that theologians would talk about. Hes talking about you and me talking, making descisions, doing things, and taking the consequences. It might be true that there are six million people in this world, and counting, but nevertheless -what you do makes a difference. It makes a difference, first of all, in material terms, to other people, and it sets an example. In short, I think the message here is that we should never write ourselves off or see eachother as a victim of various forces. It's always our descision who we are."

What do you do when you feel as if youre about to combust? When you feel like you might just crumble to the floor while your insides bleed out from the rubble...Or when you feel so much pressure its suprising youre not bleeding from the ears...Theres always some type of antidote to overcome whats ailing you isnt there? A minuscule shimmer of optimism that stiches you together tight enough allowing you to stand up and reassemble. A friend, a movie, a song, a poem, anything... Everyones got one. But what happens when you cant find that? When youve lost youre security...youre reassurance that everythings gonna be ok? When the friend grew distant, the movie isnt around, the song lost its power, you cant find the poem...Even when you make due with the next best thing...eventually the cd ends, the sun sinks, and that unsettling aroma of dinner being prepared all sets in. It freaks the hell out of me ill tell you that much. And I dont know how to reassemble anymore. Theres so many people I wanna bring back.Theres so many things I wish I would have done..said..meant. Not like it cant be done or anything...just hope its not too late.