its so weird to see all these recent posts..from exactly a year ago. i start to read, and i feel like i wrote them just last week. so much has changed but i still have all those feelings and thoughts deep within my mind.
its something i think people ignore. thoughts never disappear and feelings never truly leave. our souls carry them and though they may fade to vague blurry memories, they remain part of us forever. now maybe people don't ignore this, but they definitely try to avoid realizing it. would any married woman wish to remember the heart ache of a past lover?. would any person want to remember an exciting rush of happiness if it means nothing to his or her present life?...but it helped form your present self. just as snow and rain erode mountains, our experiences shape our mental and emotional form. its completely necessary to our existence. if we lived free of change and free of regret and free of sadness and hopes and memories, we would lack any kind of real uniqueness and honesty and self awareness. we'd simply keep shuffling through life on autopilot never concerned by the important things in life.
im going to post a few scattered entries that were written elsewhere than here simply because id rather dot a line of this year then jump a dramatic amount. we'll see what happens next, for now im leaving this to be continued
Think of how it feels. Emotions so strong that you physically feel weak. You can visualize the blood running through your finger tips, your shoulders curling inwards, and your chest torn wide open. IMMEDIATELY! misshopewishwantneedcantstandcantunderstandhatelovewonder. but you just stare. stare outwards. stare inwards. the backs of your arms quiver as your mind opens a folder of long lost memories. no turning back... theres nothing to say
I want it to be over. I want to disconnect. I would rewind if I could, but one can only move forward in life, never backwards. I would take things back. Things I do not regret. Things I'm glad I've done, I would erase from my mental records. I miss more than I should at this point. I'm missing what I don't want to be missing, what I told myself I wouldn't miss. Miss her, miss him, miss that, miss those, miss them, miss it, miss everything, miss how, miss when, miss you.
I'm happy. I'm learning, growing, taking it all in, loving every minute of it. New faces, new personalities, new styles, new atmospheres, new thoughts. I'm trying to stay focused, I just cant seem to keep my eyes open long enough to get a clear shot.
Last night I drove a little out of my way on my way home from work. I drove in the dark and I blasted Radiohead as loud as I could without it sounding shaky. For a few minutes my mind left my body and I felt really distant from everything... from the hands holding the steering wheel to the road itself. Only for a few minutes, nothing dangerous. But for a few minutes I didn't have a care in the world.
It doesn't have to be complicated. What happened, really? Honestly, fuck you. But honestly, I'm so sorry.
I'm laying in my bed, in my room without windows, in my incense filled microcosm. No past, no present, no future, no one to miss, no one to know. Just one ongoing moment, one single ongoing moment. It's disconnected from everything. I'm disconnected.
Sometimes I really do believe that. Sometimes I can only hope the reasons will be extremely worthwhile. Sometimes I wonder why I even need reassurance from the most cliche of all phrases. When you plan for something but then change your mind, will you miss out completely or will the experience be even better when it all works out smoothly rather than how it would have been if you rushed it half willingly... There are people in this world who live their lives obsessing over 'being apart of it all'. Highschool friends never daring to miss a friday night at so and so's house... college kids, nervous about missing even just one party... it could even be seen in adulthood. Why are we so fixated on being involved? It offers security? If youre always around, you wont miss anything? No one will talk about you because you are always there? But for a person who is running on empty, to come home from work or school or wherever, deny themselves the relaxation of a shower, a nap, a night of rest and rejuvenation....all because he or she would rather meet whoever wherever, is ridiculous. Without time to yourself you begin to lose touch with who you are. If you cant find yourself on your own, everything will start to crack and youll forget about thinking within before thinking outside. It depends how you look at things. You should understand yourself enough to WANT to be around yourself. There should be nights where you want to stay in and that needy feeling of wanting to be out will slowly fade.
Just about two weeks until school starts. Very very strange. Today it really hit me because I had to register for classes. By complete chance I ran into my friend Al and ended up doing his schedule with him. I didn't get to make mine because the system is retarded and there were more people there then there was time. But I did learn everything I'll have to do when I go back next week, so all was not lost. At first I was very upset over the inevitable change which September hold for my friends and I, but now I can't help but feel eager and almost excited for it to happen. I'll be learning about something that I love, I'll have a steady schedule, a new job which I also love, I'm going to start running again, and from now on I'm saving everything I have/earn because having a car is my main goal right now. I'm planning on having one more major party before the summer is over, more than likely next weekend. Just wanna end it right. And hopefully start it off the same way.
Last week, the 7th or maybe the 8th, I made a decision. I don't really feel like elaborating on the situation, but it has to do with a few of my reckless habits. I'm done. I've decided to end the negative and embrace the positive. And so far so good. It's not gonna be hard, it wont be a challenge, but I'll be pretty proud of myself.
So today I woke up at like 7 30 thinking I would throw my clothes on and be ready for six flags but of course that didnt happen. My body simply ignored my alarm until i realized I was being texted. Too late, so I didnt go. I actually woke up 4 hours later and went to the doctor to get two shots I apparently need for college. Got home an hour later and laid out by the pool for a while. I got pretty tan and very dehydrated. Blah blah blah 5 o clock rolls around, dennis comes over. We go to the Planting Fields Arboretum place and... I fucking fall in love. Definitely one of the most beautiful places Ive seen on this silly island. Saw so many amazing trees, lots of flowers, walked really fucking far along the trails there, got very strong whiffs of random scents, looked through the windows of the greenhouses, saw one of the most gorgeous buildings ever, left an hour or two later. We get home, harass ahsan, then head to famous daves with the guys. I definitely ate more than anyone else, and felt amazing. It's only like midnight and Im about to shower and pass out. I've been spending much more time at home lately... It's got its ups and downs. More time to reflect and think (could be bad) less time to be thrown into unnecessary social situations (could be good) Who cares, I have fun, I relax, I balance it all and I'm happy. Nough said. Night!
I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. Usually there's some kind of "default" way of looking at a certain situation, but I'm drawing a complete blank on this one. I feel like I'm taking one of those highschool finals and all I have to do is write an essay based on the provided text. All the answers are there, I just cant seem to put it all together. I start forming sentences then give up because I change my mind the fifth word in. Its tough. Choices A B C and D all make sense but none seem quite right. I just wish there was another option. I'm going to end up leaving everything blank. Fortunately life does not require immediate answers. I wont fail if i don't circle one of the choices listed below.. I'm just neurotic, worrying about the future is not something I want to be doing, and so, I won't. Some of the friendships I have are just so important to me that I cant help but worry. My closest friends, I truly do love them, and losing them would be like losing the air I breathe. (cliche, stfu) They're all going back to college in a few weeks and I'm probably going to be miserable in the beginning, but between doing my own college shit, and visiting them as often as possible, it'll be fine. I need to stop thinking about it. When you know something is real, you never need to worry about it. It's all real, and I'm not worrying.